The Best and Worst Candy and Flavors

There it is, the bright green of the box calling out to you. Mike and Ike specifically made this box for you, and it would just be plain rude to turn it down. Who are you to refuse a gift? You insensitive, callous, ungrateful jerk! You buy that box of candy before they slap you!

My friend told me today, while we were basking in the glow of the brightly colored candy aisle, that people always think that should not get excited over candy, but she will not accept that. As I watched her pick out the single pumpkin-shaped Reese's Candy bar, I realized that there should never be a time when you, as an adult, don't excited by something. Even as a senior in college. Especially as a senior in college.

"I bet it tastes like pumpkin, too!"

But there is a time you shouldn't get excited by something, and that is the flavor of banana. Honestly, the candy companies pushed that one out last just to say they've done something new and slap it on their resumes, but banana is the worst flavor. When was the last time you heard someone say their favorite candy flavor was banana? Oh, right, never. That is because it cannot count as a flavor! It's bland, and bananas are always thrown in with another flavor to say "Strawberry-banana" because you can't reuse a plain flavor in a bag of Tropical Starburst. It's not even creative! And you know who loves bananas? Old people. Because they're soft and bland. When you are ordering banana flavored things on purpose, you might as well pull out that AARP card to get a discount, and while you're at it, why don't you order grilled cheese and fruit at this restaurant and complain about things the waitress has no control over. Nice suspender pattern, by the way.

This banana isn't soft. This banana goes hard.Wait, is that an "E" at the end of banan-? 

I do love my grandparents, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your grandparents. They tell the greatest stories. And volunteering for the army? Respect. 

Another flavor I wouldn't miss is green apple. God, green apple is the worst. I take it back, banana, green apple is worse. Way worse. There was nothing more disappointing than reaching into that Jolly Rancher bag and pulling out a green apple. When that happens, you might as well just chuck that across the street because the only good that come out of that is thinking of really creative ways to destroy the candy companies. Hey, sometimes the best creativity can come out of anger!

I would like to clear something up quickly. A lot of people like bananas. Hell, if they didn't, bananas would be way more of a seasonal thing, like mangoes or kiwi. And I've been known to eat a banana once in a while! And apples, though I stay away from the green ones. They aren't ripe yet, put 'em back! However, many things don't translate well to candy flavors. Butterscotch, for one. Cherry, for another. I don't even really like cherries on their own, but now I'm expected to stick a cherry-flavored Jolly Rancher in my mouth for an extended amount of time? I don't think so.

Good flavors, on the other hand, are a little more versatile. I hear blue raspberry is popular, but for short amounts of time. I can't imagine working on a whole pile of blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers all day. Strawberry ain't too bad, especially in Mike & Ikes or Starburst, but citrus is where it's at for me. I don't know what it is, but lime, lemon and orange are the best part of that package. I can't even think about getting sick on those.

But whatever your flavor is, you can't be as bad as that person who mixes M&Ms and Skittles. You are one sick, sadistic creep, and I hope you like being wrong 90% of the time when you're trying to distinguish between the two.

Yes, Satan? Oh, you want to play a game?